physical distancing

this moment made us aware we've been taking physical and direct communication for granted.

sebelum ini, banyak dari kita yang ketika sedang berkumpul bersama teman atau keluarga besar malah sibuk dengan hapenya masing-masing. entah apa yang ketika itu menjadi lebih penting di banding apa yang ada tepat di hadapannya. namun, fenomena ini tidak jarang terjadi. malah sering sekali terlihat di berbagai tempat umum.

we've been taking mundane activities such as going out and taking walks in the neighborhood without having to feel afraid for granted.

kegiatan-kegiatan sebiasa ke pasar belanja kebutuhan sehari-hari. sebiasa keluar rumah ngeliat di luar ramai dan bisa jajan sesuka hati di gerobakan. atau sesimpel tos dan cipika cipiki sama temen dan keluarga yang lain.

we've also been taking earth for granted.

at least i somehow am.

ampun. (was taken on my journey to Mt Gede's peak)

we've taken a lot of things for granted if we would really think about what we've done our whole life. banyak banget. kebaikan bapak gojek yang tetep nganterin makanan kamu padahal ternyata di luar lagi hujan dan kamu gak sadar. kebaikan seorang teman yang tetep mau bantuin kamu padahal dia tau kamu anaknya bandel. kebaikan orang tua kamu yang kamu kira itu memang kewajiban yang seharusnya mereka lakukan untukmu.

atau kebaikan bumi.

karena entah berapa banyak yang sudah kamu ambil dari bumi dan bumi tetap tak hentinya dan tidak lelahnya memberi. karena entah mungkin kita sudah menyakitinya berapapun kali, namun ia bertahan dan tetap hidup demi kita hidup.

atau bahkan kebaikan Tuhan Yang Maha Esa.

yang tetap terus mengucurkan kasih dan sayangnya untuk kita. yang tetap menerima kita.

sorry, I can't continue. I always get emotional whenever I talk about this. I always feel insignificant, sorry.

but yeah,

we've been taking a lot of things for granted.

i hope we can minimize it going forward.

hang on,

we're in this together.

flashbacks

i was trying to sleep. but somehow i just couldn't.
sleep was never really been a problem to me. at least, since i was 5 yo.

when i was little, there was a period where i was so afraid to close my eyes. the image i got when i closed them, i couldn't bare as a child. i knew even then that everything was just my imagination. however, i felt terrified i couldn't surrender and sleep.

every time it occurred, i came to my parents. they told me to recite Al-Fatihah over and over until i fell asleep. and yeah, for several days i recited Al-Fatihah to get to sleep. some days, i made some variations. i recited Ayat Kursi. i did dzikir. and once, when i still couldn't doze off, i told myself repeatedly "emptied your mind". they worked fine for me.

what did i see that make me scared?

faces. unknown multiple random faces. or some other time the face of a murder victim in Detective Conan's manga.
hands. reaching out to me.
eyes. peeping through my blinds, spying on me all night.
faces again.
and a same set of dream landscape.

and i got older.
and the images faded.
and gone for good.

"push and pull"

but suddenly out of the blue, when i closed my eyes, i saw flashbacks.

it was like my life was turned into a movie and played right before my eyes. like, what the?
it got me thinking. was this the end of my life?

fortunately, not.
i'm still here. very much alive and well.
it's just, the experience left me with this guilty and uneasy feeling. what have i been doing all my life? why is it that everything i did, i did wrong? all of those times felt wasted. even though i consciously realize that everything happens for a reason, i can't help but thinking that i'm such a failure in life.

how come everyone can easily figure their life out easily?
how come they know what they want to do with their life?
how come everything goes smoothly for them?
how come?

all questions are circling around on my mind. i know the answer. i just don't want to admit. sometimes i just want to rant and get angry with life and just blame someone else. when it should've been me i blame. when at the same time, NO ONE is to blame. it's just how life is.

nothing comes easy.
however, everything is achievable.
believe, Ghan.
work your ass off
and believe.

biasa aja

Kalau boleh jujur, saya mungkin sudah berada pada titik muak mendengar kalimat simpel itu.

“Biasa saja.”

Coba kalian bayangkan. Lagi kesel, lagi bete, lagi gak karuan mood-nya. Curhat ke pasangan dengan niatan cuma ingin cerita aja gitu mengeluarkan uneg-uneg. Eh, malah dikomentarin kayak begitu. Kayak lagi dimarahin. Berasa jadi anak paling bandel sedunia.

Bagaimana saya tidak tambah kesal?

Tetapi, bukan pasangan saya kalau tidak bicara begitu setiap kali saya mulai emosi. Meskipun seringnya saya tambah emosi.

senja.

Bukan ini sih intinya. Saya bukan mau menceritakan kalau pasangan saya ngeselin banget sedunia tapi juga ngangenin banget gak kuat. Bukan itu kok. (ngeselin ya?)

Saya hanya ingin cerita. Kok ada ya orang sesabar beliau?

Saya marah-marah, dianya santai saja. Saya lagi ngambek, dia pun santai. Saya merajuk, malah diketawain balik (ini ngeselin sih, tapi mungkin kalau dia malah ikutan marah yang ada saya tambah marah).

Tunggu, ini apa sih poinnya?

It actually got to me.

Those “biasa saja” words, it got through. Even though I still have a super long way to become that “biasa saja” person, but I think I can feel that I’m walking towards it. I guess I’m making progress.

Saya pribadi masih harus banyak belajar dalam menerima kritik, mendengarkan masukan dari orang lain, untuk menjadi orang yang lebih rendah hati lagi untuk mau terus belajar dari siapapun. Bukan hal yang mudah bagi saya untuk menerima komentar. Apalagi ketika komentar tersebut tidak sesuai dengan apa yang saya inginkan atau saya senangi. Namun, ya kita kan tidak mungkin hidup selalu hanya mau-maunya kita. Semaunya sendiri, tidak mungkin.

Semoga kita semua adalah orang-orang yang selalu bersedia untuk belajar dan terus belajar menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan lebih baik lagi. Karena kalau saya boleh mengutip ucapan Bapak Presiden RI ke-7, Pak Joko Widodo, dalam pidato kenegaraan beliau 16 Agustus 2019 yang lalu,

“Tidak cukup untuk menjadi lebih baik dari kita yang kemarin. Kita harus lebih baik dari yang lain.”

regrets

We regret things all the time. A lot of time.

And as we know, it always comes late. What’s done is done.

Then, why do we regret?
Why, even knowing that we can’t change the situation for any bit, we still have that feelings? We still blame ourselves for what happened?

through the lights..

I’m not saying that I haven’t done it myself.
I do have my own regrets.
I regretted my college life,
how I didn’t study seriously.
how I graduated without even knowing what I’d been studying the whole 4 years.
how I didn’t put enough time in socializing and making connections with my chem-eng’s friends.
how I didn’t maximize my potential, and also time, in doing my thesis.
how I felt stupid to fight for a relationship on my own.
how I wasted so much time wandering aimlessly.
how I hide behind “chose a wrong degree” and tried to run from my responsibility.
how I lived my life this far.

I don’t think I should go on the lists.

My point is, yes, I have regrets.
There are things I thought I shouldn’t have done, or said.

But looking back and also taking in where I am right now,
I won’t be here if I didn’t choose everything I’ve chosen.

I know, I know.
I might be questioning and wondering.
If I didn’t do that, where would I be now?

And yeah, that’s a whole other thing to be think about.
But from my standpoint, that’s not to be mulled over.
That’s also not to drag you down either.

Things happen for a reason.
You might not understand it yet.
The reason may not be the one you prefer.
We can always learn from it nonetheless.

vajram

writings in Javanese..

You are a diamond in progress.
Nope, nope. Scratch that.
Every human being is a diamond.
They have a light within
that's been lying dormant,
waiting to shine.
Patiently, facing pressures and tests.
Through and through.
Bit by bit.

You may whine.
You may pout.
Your destiny is still to shine nonetheless.
It's already in the writing.
Yes, you might want to run away.
To just stop and leave everything behind.
However, that would mean lying to yourself.
Neglecting your own deep desire.

No matter how hard you deny it.
You want to shine.
You will shine.
Wait, look at that smile.
You ARE shining.