people listen

Saya pada dasarnya bukanlah orang yang cukup percaya diri. Saya lebih suka diam dan memerhatikan, bahkan ketika ada yang ingin saya sampaikan. Hal ini sangat perlu saya perbaiki sih, saya sadari itu. Ide yang terpendam tidak akan pernah menjadi nyata. Pikiran yang hebat tidak akan jadi aksi yang juga hebat kalau tidak pernah ada yang tahu dan ejawantahkan.

lemah (atau kuat?)

Saya terinspirasi untuk menulis ini karena tadi baru saja habis mendengar lagu RAN - si lemah dan melihat sebuat postingan di instagram. Saya jadi teringat beberapa diskusi dan hampir debat serta ketidaksamaan pandangan mengenai tangis dan amarah.

beyond the horizon..

Saya selalu berpendapat bahwa seseorang yang berani untuk menangis di hadapan orang lain untuk alasan yang genuine (whatever it means to you) adalah orang yang sangat berani dan kuat. Bukan lho, bukan nangis air mata buaya cuma untuk cari perhatian. Biasanya itu mudah dideteksi kok. Mungkin alasannya bisa jadi trivial dan sangat personal, tapi perasaannya akan tetap sama. Apakah itu sedih yang tulus atau dibuat-buat.

Hal itu, menurut saya, lebih kuat daripada orang yang tidak mau mengakui perasaannya sendiri. Lebih kuat dari orang yang berbohong dan bersembunyi di balik ketakutan dianggap lemah. Seringnya sih hal ini terjadi pada laki-laki. Namun, saya pribadi juga pernah (atau mungkin masih) menjadi orang seperti ini. Padahal, menangis, merasa sedih, merasa lemah (bukan berarti betulan lemah), perasaan apapun itu, adalah universal. Milik seluruh manusia tanpa memandang gender dan background tertentu. Semua orang berhak untuk merasa dan mengekspresikan perasaan, atau sekedar membicarakan perasaannya.

Bukan berarti saya menyuruh kalian untuk selalu mengekspresikan perasaan kalian di depan siapapun itu sih. Menurut saya, itu hal yang privat dan intim, untuk mempertunjukkan emosi yang mentah (bahasa inggrisnya lebih asik, raw emotion; saya bingung kalau disadur jadi bahasa indonesia cocoknya apa). Pengalaman itu menurut saya sangat personal dan tidak bisa dibagi dengan sembarang orang. Hanya saja, itu perlu untuk dibagi. Kalau tidak dengan orang, mungkin dengan Tuhan.

Nah, tapi inget, apapun itu, tidak boleh berlebihan. Menangis silahkan, tapi rasanya tidak perlu sampai meraung. Sedih boleh banget, tapi kalau sampai mengurung diri dan tidak mau makan berhari-hari ya bunuh diri. Secukupnya saja. Sedih, menangis, tarik nafas take your time, collect yourself again, kita mulai lagi. Bergerak maju lagi.

Itu. Begitu itu kuat.

Begitu juga dengan amarah.

Sedikit menyambung dari postingan saya sebelumnya, "biasa saja", akhirnya saya mulai mengerti. Pasangan saya sering bilang untuk tidak usah berlebihan.

"Jangan marah-marah, biasa saja."

"Gak usah nangis, biasa saja."

"Jangan bete gitu, biasa saja."

Biasa saja.

Awalnya saya pikir, ini kok jadi kayak gak boleh punya perasaan? Aneh sekali. Padahal perasaan itu diciptakan pasti ada tujuannya, pasti perlu untuk dirasakan. Kalau memang apa-apa biasa saja, kenapa juga perlu ada yang namanya perasaan di dunia? Kenapa kita selalu didorong untuk bersimpati, bahkan berempati terhadap orang lain? Untuk apa?

a random stranger; perhaps waiting..

Jadi, ternyata orang yang kuat adalah orang yang mampu mengetahui dan mengidentifikasi dan mengakui perasaannya sendiri, dan yang terutama mengontrol perasaan tersebut. Orang kuat bukanlah orang yang mampu mengalahkan dan mengecilkan orang lain dengan mempertunjukkan kuasa dalam amarahnya, sama sekali bukan itu. Orang yang kuat adalah yang mampu untuk mengekspresikan amarahnya dengan cara sebaik-baiknya.

Lagipula, marah-marah tidak pernah menyelesaikan masalah. Tidak membuat pesan yang ingin disampaikan juga jadi tersampaikan. Lebih lagi, tidak membuat kita mendapatkan respek atau perhatian yang kita butuhkan. Yang ada malah kita dibenci, menambah dosa, menambah musuh, menambah beban psikis dan fisik pada diri sendiri, dan menambah masalah sih intinya. Saya pribadi mempelajari ini melalui pengalaman langsung.

Akhirnya saya belajar. Saya marah-marah tidak membuat lawan bicara saya mengerti apa salahnya dia sampai saya jadi marah. Yang ada, ujungnya berantem karena saling marah dan saling gak mau kalah. Saya belajar untuk menyampaikan dengan cara yang baik dan suara yang tidak tinggi ataupun keras.

"Saya tidak suka kalau kamu begini."

"Kamu membuat saya marah dengan bersikap dan berkata seperti itu."

Dan tidak menjadi lepas kontrol.

Itu. Itulah kuat.

Semoga saya tidak mengkontradiksi omongan saya sendiri.

namaste

"The divine in me bows to the divine in you."

I literally just learn the meaning by the time I typed this post and I found the meaning really deep and meaningful for me.

It reminds me with a TED Video. Susan David talked about "The gift and power of emotional courage." She started with this greetings.

Sawubona; means, "I see you and by seeing you I bring you into existence," or on another website i read, "I see you, you are important to me and I value you." It's a greeting used by Zulu tribe in South Africa.

And these both greetings are just beautiful.

Just like in Islam. We are taught to greet each other with this phrase.

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh; means, "May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah SWT be with you."

a sajadah...

I remember being told that everything I say matter. Everything I say is noted as a prayer. Everything I say could mean a lot to other peolple, either it's good or bad meaning. Therefore, I should really be careful with what I say. Therefore, I take saying birthday prayers or anything for that matter really seriously. And basically, being mindful with what I say has been an easy-peasy thing for me as I am not really a talker. However, as a normal human being, there are times when I just can't contain my emotion and words slip through my mouth. Things I would regret ever said.

For that, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you in any kind.

It may be because of my spoken words or my unspoken words or my actions or me.

I hope you would forgive me and we can always push and motivate each other to be a better person.

For the record, this wasn't the ending of the writing I intended to be haha. But somehow I got here. So, let me go back to where I planned this to be.

Photo by Elle Hughes @canva

I've been doing yoga for more than a month everyday now. Actually, yoga and HIIT workouts, whatever I am in the mood for at the time. It started in around the beginning of Jakarta's lockdown policy. Several days into the lockdown, I had a high fever. When I said high, it was seriously high. It was above 39C. I was so afraid and anxious I would caught Covid-19. I managed to not get panicked as my mom would be even more in panick if I did.

The one thing I focused on was to look for ways to boost my immunity. Right then, I went to yoga. I looked for pose to boost immunity and I followed the instructions. From there, with the help of y best friend who at the time invited me to a yoga-together video call,

I fell in love with yoga.

I challenge myself with poses. I incorporate at least 20 minutes of yoga to my every day schedule. As far as I can remember, this has been the longest commitment I've ever made to working out. And it's totally free. I haven't spent any penny (except for the yoga mat, new sport bras, and new leggings) for the workout program so far. There are so many available videos on Youtube if you want to start and just test the water. I started with Yoga with Adriene and Alo Moves videos. They also have 30 days program playlist if you don't know where to start and where to go the day after.

Why did I choose yoga?

I realize that I am lazy and I easily give up. Bad traits, don't be like me.

Knowing that, and knowing that I want to keep this working out habits everyday in the long run, I choose yoga. I choose a place where I know I can be comfortable. It challenges me to some extent but won't make me give up. And it doesn't require jumping (or low impact you would say). Besides the getting sweaty, I also train my lean muscle, flexibility, and just mental focus.

I learn about my body and to be in peace and in sync with it.

A little tips.

Don't start working out with a goal of losing weight. If you're like me who's just eager to see results and easily give up when you don't see the numbers change on the scale, just don't. That way, you'll lose the other advantages you get from working out. And you'll also lose interest easily. I experienced this first hand.

Keep in mind that you're doing this for your health.

For your body and mind.

Namaste.

physical distancing

this moment made us aware we've been taking physical and direct communication for granted.

sebelum ini, banyak dari kita yang ketika sedang berkumpul bersama teman atau keluarga besar malah sibuk dengan hapenya masing-masing. entah apa yang ketika itu menjadi lebih penting di banding apa yang ada tepat di hadapannya. namun, fenomena ini tidak jarang terjadi. malah sering sekali terlihat di berbagai tempat umum.

we've been taking mundane activities such as going out and taking walks in the neighborhood without having to feel afraid for granted.

kegiatan-kegiatan sebiasa ke pasar belanja kebutuhan sehari-hari. sebiasa keluar rumah ngeliat di luar ramai dan bisa jajan sesuka hati di gerobakan. atau sesimpel tos dan cipika cipiki sama temen dan keluarga yang lain.

we've also been taking earth for granted.

at least i somehow am.

ampun. (was taken on my journey to Mt Gede's peak)

we've taken a lot of things for granted if we would really think about what we've done our whole life. banyak banget. kebaikan bapak gojek yang tetep nganterin makanan kamu padahal ternyata di luar lagi hujan dan kamu gak sadar. kebaikan seorang teman yang tetep mau bantuin kamu padahal dia tau kamu anaknya bandel. kebaikan orang tua kamu yang kamu kira itu memang kewajiban yang seharusnya mereka lakukan untukmu.

atau kebaikan bumi.

karena entah berapa banyak yang sudah kamu ambil dari bumi dan bumi tetap tak hentinya dan tidak lelahnya memberi. karena entah mungkin kita sudah menyakitinya berapapun kali, namun ia bertahan dan tetap hidup demi kita hidup.

atau bahkan kebaikan Tuhan Yang Maha Esa.

yang tetap terus mengucurkan kasih dan sayangnya untuk kita. yang tetap menerima kita.

sorry, I can't continue. I always get emotional whenever I talk about this. I always feel insignificant, sorry.

but yeah,

we've been taking a lot of things for granted.

i hope we can minimize it going forward.

hang on,

we're in this together.

flashbacks

i was trying to sleep. but somehow i just couldn't.
sleep was never really been a problem to me. at least, since i was 5 yo.

when i was little, there was a period where i was so afraid to close my eyes. the image i got when i closed them, i couldn't bare as a child. i knew even then that everything was just my imagination. however, i felt terrified i couldn't surrender and sleep.

every time it occurred, i came to my parents. they told me to recite Al-Fatihah over and over until i fell asleep. and yeah, for several days i recited Al-Fatihah to get to sleep. some days, i made some variations. i recited Ayat Kursi. i did dzikir. and once, when i still couldn't doze off, i told myself repeatedly "emptied your mind". they worked fine for me.

what did i see that make me scared?

faces. unknown multiple random faces. or some other time the face of a murder victim in Detective Conan's manga.
hands. reaching out to me.
eyes. peeping through my blinds, spying on me all night.
faces again.
and a same set of dream landscape.

and i got older.
and the images faded.
and gone for good.

"push and pull"

but suddenly out of the blue, when i closed my eyes, i saw flashbacks.

it was like my life was turned into a movie and played right before my eyes. like, what the?
it got me thinking. was this the end of my life?

fortunately, not.
i'm still here. very much alive and well.
it's just, the experience left me with this guilty and uneasy feeling. what have i been doing all my life? why is it that everything i did, i did wrong? all of those times felt wasted. even though i consciously realize that everything happens for a reason, i can't help but thinking that i'm such a failure in life.

how come everyone can easily figure their life out easily?
how come they know what they want to do with their life?
how come everything goes smoothly for them?
how come?

all questions are circling around on my mind. i know the answer. i just don't want to admit. sometimes i just want to rant and get angry with life and just blame someone else. when it should've been me i blame. when at the same time, NO ONE is to blame. it's just how life is.

nothing comes easy.
however, everything is achievable.
believe, Ghan.
work your ass off
and believe.