namaste

"The divine in me bows to the divine in you."

I literally just learn the meaning by the time I typed this post and I found the meaning really deep and meaningful for me.

It reminds me with a TED Video. Susan David talked about "The gift and power of emotional courage." She started with this greetings.

Sawubona; means, "I see you and by seeing you I bring you into existence," or on another website i read, "I see you, you are important to me and I value you." It's a greeting used by Zulu tribe in South Africa.

And these both greetings are just beautiful.

Just like in Islam. We are taught to greet each other with this phrase.

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh; means, "May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah SWT be with you."

a sajadah...

I remember being told that everything I say matter. Everything I say is noted as a prayer. Everything I say could mean a lot to other peolple, either it's good or bad meaning. Therefore, I should really be careful with what I say. Therefore, I take saying birthday prayers or anything for that matter really seriously. And basically, being mindful with what I say has been an easy-peasy thing for me as I am not really a talker. However, as a normal human being, there are times when I just can't contain my emotion and words slip through my mouth. Things I would regret ever said.

For that, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you in any kind.

It may be because of my spoken words or my unspoken words or my actions or me.

I hope you would forgive me and we can always push and motivate each other to be a better person.

For the record, this wasn't the ending of the writing I intended to be haha. But somehow I got here. So, let me go back to where I planned this to be.

Photo by Elle Hughes @canva

I've been doing yoga for more than a month everyday now. Actually, yoga and HIIT workouts, whatever I am in the mood for at the time. It started in around the beginning of Jakarta's lockdown policy. Several days into the lockdown, I had a high fever. When I said high, it was seriously high. It was above 39C. I was so afraid and anxious I would caught Covid-19. I managed to not get panicked as my mom would be even more in panick if I did.

The one thing I focused on was to look for ways to boost my immunity. Right then, I went to yoga. I looked for pose to boost immunity and I followed the instructions. From there, with the help of y best friend who at the time invited me to a yoga-together video call,

I fell in love with yoga.

I challenge myself with poses. I incorporate at least 20 minutes of yoga to my every day schedule. As far as I can remember, this has been the longest commitment I've ever made to working out. And it's totally free. I haven't spent any penny (except for the yoga mat, new sport bras, and new leggings) for the workout program so far. There are so many available videos on Youtube if you want to start and just test the water. I started with Yoga with Adriene and Alo Moves videos. They also have 30 days program playlist if you don't know where to start and where to go the day after.

Why did I choose yoga?

I realize that I am lazy and I easily give up. Bad traits, don't be like me.

Knowing that, and knowing that I want to keep this working out habits everyday in the long run, I choose yoga. I choose a place where I know I can be comfortable. It challenges me to some extent but won't make me give up. And it doesn't require jumping (or low impact you would say). Besides the getting sweaty, I also train my lean muscle, flexibility, and just mental focus.

I learn about my body and to be in peace and in sync with it.

A little tips.

Don't start working out with a goal of losing weight. If you're like me who's just eager to see results and easily give up when you don't see the numbers change on the scale, just don't. That way, you'll lose the other advantages you get from working out. And you'll also lose interest easily. I experienced this first hand.

Keep in mind that you're doing this for your health.

For your body and mind.

Namaste.

physical distancing

this moment made us aware we've been taking physical and direct communication for granted.

sebelum ini, banyak dari kita yang ketika sedang berkumpul bersama teman atau keluarga besar malah sibuk dengan hapenya masing-masing. entah apa yang ketika itu menjadi lebih penting di banding apa yang ada tepat di hadapannya. namun, fenomena ini tidak jarang terjadi. malah sering sekali terlihat di berbagai tempat umum.

we've been taking mundane activities such as going out and taking walks in the neighborhood without having to feel afraid for granted.

kegiatan-kegiatan sebiasa ke pasar belanja kebutuhan sehari-hari. sebiasa keluar rumah ngeliat di luar ramai dan bisa jajan sesuka hati di gerobakan. atau sesimpel tos dan cipika cipiki sama temen dan keluarga yang lain.

we've also been taking earth for granted.

at least i somehow am.

ampun. (was taken on my journey to Mt Gede's peak)

we've taken a lot of things for granted if we would really think about what we've done our whole life. banyak banget. kebaikan bapak gojek yang tetep nganterin makanan kamu padahal ternyata di luar lagi hujan dan kamu gak sadar. kebaikan seorang teman yang tetep mau bantuin kamu padahal dia tau kamu anaknya bandel. kebaikan orang tua kamu yang kamu kira itu memang kewajiban yang seharusnya mereka lakukan untukmu.

atau kebaikan bumi.

karena entah berapa banyak yang sudah kamu ambil dari bumi dan bumi tetap tak hentinya dan tidak lelahnya memberi. karena entah mungkin kita sudah menyakitinya berapapun kali, namun ia bertahan dan tetap hidup demi kita hidup.

atau bahkan kebaikan Tuhan Yang Maha Esa.

yang tetap terus mengucurkan kasih dan sayangnya untuk kita. yang tetap menerima kita.

sorry, I can't continue. I always get emotional whenever I talk about this. I always feel insignificant, sorry.

but yeah,

we've been taking a lot of things for granted.

i hope we can minimize it going forward.

hang on,

we're in this together.

flashbacks

i was trying to sleep. but somehow i just couldn't.
sleep was never really been a problem to me. at least, since i was 5 yo.

when i was little, there was a period where i was so afraid to close my eyes. the image i got when i closed them, i couldn't bare as a child. i knew even then that everything was just my imagination. however, i felt terrified i couldn't surrender and sleep.

every time it occurred, i came to my parents. they told me to recite Al-Fatihah over and over until i fell asleep. and yeah, for several days i recited Al-Fatihah to get to sleep. some days, i made some variations. i recited Ayat Kursi. i did dzikir. and once, when i still couldn't doze off, i told myself repeatedly "emptied your mind". they worked fine for me.

what did i see that make me scared?

faces. unknown multiple random faces. or some other time the face of a murder victim in Detective Conan's manga.
hands. reaching out to me.
eyes. peeping through my blinds, spying on me all night.
faces again.
and a same set of dream landscape.

and i got older.
and the images faded.
and gone for good.

"push and pull"

but suddenly out of the blue, when i closed my eyes, i saw flashbacks.

it was like my life was turned into a movie and played right before my eyes. like, what the?
it got me thinking. was this the end of my life?

fortunately, not.
i'm still here. very much alive and well.
it's just, the experience left me with this guilty and uneasy feeling. what have i been doing all my life? why is it that everything i did, i did wrong? all of those times felt wasted. even though i consciously realize that everything happens for a reason, i can't help but thinking that i'm such a failure in life.

how come everyone can easily figure their life out easily?
how come they know what they want to do with their life?
how come everything goes smoothly for them?
how come?

all questions are circling around on my mind. i know the answer. i just don't want to admit. sometimes i just want to rant and get angry with life and just blame someone else. when it should've been me i blame. when at the same time, NO ONE is to blame. it's just how life is.

nothing comes easy.
however, everything is achievable.
believe, Ghan.
work your ass off
and believe.

biasa aja

Kalau boleh jujur, saya mungkin sudah berada pada titik muak mendengar kalimat simpel itu.

“Biasa saja.”

Coba kalian bayangkan. Lagi kesel, lagi bete, lagi gak karuan mood-nya. Curhat ke pasangan dengan niatan cuma ingin cerita aja gitu mengeluarkan uneg-uneg. Eh, malah dikomentarin kayak begitu. Kayak lagi dimarahin. Berasa jadi anak paling bandel sedunia.

Bagaimana saya tidak tambah kesal?

Tetapi, bukan pasangan saya kalau tidak bicara begitu setiap kali saya mulai emosi. Meskipun seringnya saya tambah emosi.

senja.

Bukan ini sih intinya. Saya bukan mau menceritakan kalau pasangan saya ngeselin banget sedunia tapi juga ngangenin banget gak kuat. Bukan itu kok. (ngeselin ya?)

Saya hanya ingin cerita. Kok ada ya orang sesabar beliau?

Saya marah-marah, dianya santai saja. Saya lagi ngambek, dia pun santai. Saya merajuk, malah diketawain balik (ini ngeselin sih, tapi mungkin kalau dia malah ikutan marah yang ada saya tambah marah).

Tunggu, ini apa sih poinnya?

It actually got to me.

Those “biasa saja” words, it got through. Even though I still have a super long way to become that “biasa saja” person, but I think I can feel that I’m walking towards it. I guess I’m making progress.

Saya pribadi masih harus banyak belajar dalam menerima kritik, mendengarkan masukan dari orang lain, untuk menjadi orang yang lebih rendah hati lagi untuk mau terus belajar dari siapapun. Bukan hal yang mudah bagi saya untuk menerima komentar. Apalagi ketika komentar tersebut tidak sesuai dengan apa yang saya inginkan atau saya senangi. Namun, ya kita kan tidak mungkin hidup selalu hanya mau-maunya kita. Semaunya sendiri, tidak mungkin.

Semoga kita semua adalah orang-orang yang selalu bersedia untuk belajar dan terus belajar menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan lebih baik lagi. Karena kalau saya boleh mengutip ucapan Bapak Presiden RI ke-7, Pak Joko Widodo, dalam pidato kenegaraan beliau 16 Agustus 2019 yang lalu,

“Tidak cukup untuk menjadi lebih baik dari kita yang kemarin. Kita harus lebih baik dari yang lain.”

regrets

We regret things all the time. A lot of time.

And as we know, it always comes late. What’s done is done.

Then, why do we regret?
Why, even knowing that we can’t change the situation for any bit, we still have that feelings? We still blame ourselves for what happened?

through the lights..

I’m not saying that I haven’t done it myself.
I do have my own regrets.
I regretted my college life,
how I didn’t study seriously.
how I graduated without even knowing what I’d been studying the whole 4 years.
how I didn’t put enough time in socializing and making connections with my chem-eng’s friends.
how I didn’t maximize my potential, and also time, in doing my thesis.
how I felt stupid to fight for a relationship on my own.
how I wasted so much time wandering aimlessly.
how I hide behind “chose a wrong degree” and tried to run from my responsibility.
how I lived my life this far.

I don’t think I should go on the lists.

My point is, yes, I have regrets.
There are things I thought I shouldn’t have done, or said.

But looking back and also taking in where I am right now,
I won’t be here if I didn’t choose everything I’ve chosen.

I know, I know.
I might be questioning and wondering.
If I didn’t do that, where would I be now?

And yeah, that’s a whole other thing to be think about.
But from my standpoint, that’s not to be mulled over.
That’s also not to drag you down either.

Things happen for a reason.
You might not understand it yet.
The reason may not be the one you prefer.
We can always learn from it nonetheless.