XTEINK X4: Review Jujur setelah Penggunaan 20 Hari

Sebelumnya, aku mau info dulu kalau aku memang suka baca buku, baik itu secara fisik maupun digital. Aku juga pengguna e-reader Kindle Paperwhite 10th Gen sejak awal tahun 2023. Dan aku adalah orang yang suka bangat ngotak ngatik, terutama hal yang berbau IT dan komputer. Meskipun aku sama sekali gak punya background di bidang tersebut.

Problems with Social Media

 Write about 5 problems with social media

I wouldn't really count the problems but I know there are problems. At least at how I handle my own social media habits.

codes and stuffs

jadi, ketertarikan saya terhadap kehidupan perkodean ini sebetulnya dimulai dari rasa penasaran saya pengen bisa bikin template blog sendiri. minimal, mengubah sedikit-sedikit dari template yang sudah ada.

balada cahaya

Aku hebat, aku kuat, aku pasti bisa, aku baik, aku sehat. Terima kasih aku untuk selalu berusaha memberikan yang terbaik, untuk selalu menyadari dan mengakui kesalahan dan berusaha untuk menjadi lebih baik. Terima kasih untuk bertahan. Aku percaya dengan diriku sendiri, aku keren.

rebah dan pasrahkan

kasih,
sini rebah di sisiku
kita resapi kemegahan bentang alam
menyaksikan bulan bintang beredar di langit malam

people listen

Saya pada dasarnya bukanlah orang yang cukup percaya diri. Saya lebih suka diam dan memerhatikan, bahkan ketika ada yang ingin saya sampaikan. Hal ini sangat perlu saya perbaiki sih, saya sadari itu. Ide yang terpendam tidak akan pernah menjadi nyata. Pikiran yang hebat tidak akan jadi aksi yang juga hebat kalau tidak pernah ada yang tahu dan ejawantahkan.

lemah (atau kuat?)

Saya terinspirasi untuk menulis ini karena tadi baru saja habis mendengar lagu RAN - si lemah dan melihat sebuat postingan di instagram. Saya jadi teringat beberapa diskusi dan hampir debat serta ketidaksamaan pandangan mengenai tangis dan amarah.

beyond the horizon..

Saya selalu berpendapat bahwa seseorang yang berani untuk menangis di hadapan orang lain untuk alasan yang genuine (whatever it means to you) adalah orang yang sangat berani dan kuat. Bukan lho, bukan nangis air mata buaya cuma untuk cari perhatian. Biasanya itu mudah dideteksi kok. Mungkin alasannya bisa jadi trivial dan sangat personal, tapi perasaannya akan tetap sama. Apakah itu sedih yang tulus atau dibuat-buat.

Hal itu, menurut saya, lebih kuat daripada orang yang tidak mau mengakui perasaannya sendiri. Lebih kuat dari orang yang berbohong dan bersembunyi di balik ketakutan dianggap lemah. Seringnya sih hal ini terjadi pada laki-laki. Namun, saya pribadi juga pernah (atau mungkin masih) menjadi orang seperti ini. Padahal, menangis, merasa sedih, merasa lemah (bukan berarti betulan lemah), perasaan apapun itu, adalah universal. Milik seluruh manusia tanpa memandang gender dan background tertentu. Semua orang berhak untuk merasa dan mengekspresikan perasaan, atau sekedar membicarakan perasaannya.

Bukan berarti saya menyuruh kalian untuk selalu mengekspresikan perasaan kalian di depan siapapun itu sih. Menurut saya, itu hal yang privat dan intim, untuk mempertunjukkan emosi yang mentah (bahasa inggrisnya lebih asik, raw emotion; saya bingung kalau disadur jadi bahasa indonesia cocoknya apa). Pengalaman itu menurut saya sangat personal dan tidak bisa dibagi dengan sembarang orang. Hanya saja, itu perlu untuk dibagi. Kalau tidak dengan orang, mungkin dengan Tuhan.

Nah, tapi inget, apapun itu, tidak boleh berlebihan. Menangis silahkan, tapi rasanya tidak perlu sampai meraung. Sedih boleh banget, tapi kalau sampai mengurung diri dan tidak mau makan berhari-hari ya bunuh diri. Secukupnya saja. Sedih, menangis, tarik nafas take your time, collect yourself again, kita mulai lagi. Bergerak maju lagi.

Itu. Begitu itu kuat.

Begitu juga dengan amarah.

Sedikit menyambung dari postingan saya sebelumnya, "biasa saja", akhirnya saya mulai mengerti. Pasangan saya sering bilang untuk tidak usah berlebihan.

"Jangan marah-marah, biasa saja."

"Gak usah nangis, biasa saja."

"Jangan bete gitu, biasa saja."

Biasa saja.

Awalnya saya pikir, ini kok jadi kayak gak boleh punya perasaan? Aneh sekali. Padahal perasaan itu diciptakan pasti ada tujuannya, pasti perlu untuk dirasakan. Kalau memang apa-apa biasa saja, kenapa juga perlu ada yang namanya perasaan di dunia? Kenapa kita selalu didorong untuk bersimpati, bahkan berempati terhadap orang lain? Untuk apa?

a random stranger; perhaps waiting..

Jadi, ternyata orang yang kuat adalah orang yang mampu mengetahui dan mengidentifikasi dan mengakui perasaannya sendiri, dan yang terutama mengontrol perasaan tersebut. Orang kuat bukanlah orang yang mampu mengalahkan dan mengecilkan orang lain dengan mempertunjukkan kuasa dalam amarahnya, sama sekali bukan itu. Orang yang kuat adalah yang mampu untuk mengekspresikan amarahnya dengan cara sebaik-baiknya.

Lagipula, marah-marah tidak pernah menyelesaikan masalah. Tidak membuat pesan yang ingin disampaikan juga jadi tersampaikan. Lebih lagi, tidak membuat kita mendapatkan respek atau perhatian yang kita butuhkan. Yang ada malah kita dibenci, menambah dosa, menambah musuh, menambah beban psikis dan fisik pada diri sendiri, dan menambah masalah sih intinya. Saya pribadi mempelajari ini melalui pengalaman langsung.

Akhirnya saya belajar. Saya marah-marah tidak membuat lawan bicara saya mengerti apa salahnya dia sampai saya jadi marah. Yang ada, ujungnya berantem karena saling marah dan saling gak mau kalah. Saya belajar untuk menyampaikan dengan cara yang baik dan suara yang tidak tinggi ataupun keras.

"Saya tidak suka kalau kamu begini."

"Kamu membuat saya marah dengan bersikap dan berkata seperti itu."

Dan tidak menjadi lepas kontrol.

Itu. Itulah kuat.

Semoga saya tidak mengkontradiksi omongan saya sendiri.

namaste

"The divine in me bows to the divine in you."

I literally just learn the meaning by the time I typed this post and I found the meaning really deep and meaningful for me.

It reminds me with a TED Video. Susan David talked about "The gift and power of emotional courage." She started with this greetings.

Sawubona; means, "I see you and by seeing you I bring you into existence," or on another website i read, "I see you, you are important to me and I value you." It's a greeting used by Zulu tribe in South Africa.

And these both greetings are just beautiful.

Just like in Islam. We are taught to greet each other with this phrase.

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh; means, "May the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah SWT be with you."

a sajadah...

I remember being told that everything I say matter. Everything I say is noted as a prayer. Everything I say could mean a lot to other peolple, either it's good or bad meaning. Therefore, I should really be careful with what I say. Therefore, I take saying birthday prayers or anything for that matter really seriously. And basically, being mindful with what I say has been an easy-peasy thing for me as I am not really a talker. However, as a normal human being, there are times when I just can't contain my emotion and words slip through my mouth. Things I would regret ever said.

For that, I am sorry. If I ever hurt you in any kind.

It may be because of my spoken words or my unspoken words or my actions or me.

I hope you would forgive me and we can always push and motivate each other to be a better person.

For the record, this wasn't the ending of the writing I intended to be haha. But somehow I got here. So, let me go back to where I planned this to be.

Photo by Elle Hughes @canva

I've been doing yoga for more than a month everyday now. Actually, yoga and HIIT workouts, whatever I am in the mood for at the time. It started in around the beginning of Jakarta's lockdown policy. Several days into the lockdown, I had a high fever. When I said high, it was seriously high. It was above 39C. I was so afraid and anxious I would caught Covid-19. I managed to not get panicked as my mom would be even more in panick if I did.

The one thing I focused on was to look for ways to boost my immunity. Right then, I went to yoga. I looked for pose to boost immunity and I followed the instructions. From there, with the help of y best friend who at the time invited me to a yoga-together video call,

I fell in love with yoga.

I challenge myself with poses. I incorporate at least 20 minutes of yoga to my every day schedule. As far as I can remember, this has been the longest commitment I've ever made to working out. And it's totally free. I haven't spent any penny (except for the yoga mat, new sport bras, and new leggings) for the workout program so far. There are so many available videos on Youtube if you want to start and just test the water. I started with Yoga with Adriene and Alo Moves videos. They also have 30 days program playlist if you don't know where to start and where to go the day after.

Why did I choose yoga?

I realize that I am lazy and I easily give up. Bad traits, don't be like me.

Knowing that, and knowing that I want to keep this working out habits everyday in the long run, I choose yoga. I choose a place where I know I can be comfortable. It challenges me to some extent but won't make me give up. And it doesn't require jumping (or low impact you would say). Besides the getting sweaty, I also train my lean muscle, flexibility, and just mental focus.

I learn about my body and to be in peace and in sync with it.

A little tips.

Don't start working out with a goal of losing weight. If you're like me who's just eager to see results and easily give up when you don't see the numbers change on the scale, just don't. That way, you'll lose the other advantages you get from working out. And you'll also lose interest easily. I experienced this first hand.

Keep in mind that you're doing this for your health.

For your body and mind.

Namaste.

physical distancing

this moment made us aware we've been taking physical and direct communication for granted.

sebelum ini, banyak dari kita yang ketika sedang berkumpul bersama teman atau keluarga besar malah sibuk dengan hapenya masing-masing. entah apa yang ketika itu menjadi lebih penting di banding apa yang ada tepat di hadapannya. namun, fenomena ini tidak jarang terjadi. malah sering sekali terlihat di berbagai tempat umum.

we've been taking mundane activities such as going out and taking walks in the neighborhood without having to feel afraid for granted.

kegiatan-kegiatan sebiasa ke pasar belanja kebutuhan sehari-hari. sebiasa keluar rumah ngeliat di luar ramai dan bisa jajan sesuka hati di gerobakan. atau sesimpel tos dan cipika cipiki sama temen dan keluarga yang lain.

we've also been taking earth for granted.

at least i somehow am.

ampun. (was taken on my journey to Mt Gede's peak)

we've taken a lot of things for granted if we would really think about what we've done our whole life. banyak banget. kebaikan bapak gojek yang tetep nganterin makanan kamu padahal ternyata di luar lagi hujan dan kamu gak sadar. kebaikan seorang teman yang tetep mau bantuin kamu padahal dia tau kamu anaknya bandel. kebaikan orang tua kamu yang kamu kira itu memang kewajiban yang seharusnya mereka lakukan untukmu.

atau kebaikan bumi.

karena entah berapa banyak yang sudah kamu ambil dari bumi dan bumi tetap tak hentinya dan tidak lelahnya memberi. karena entah mungkin kita sudah menyakitinya berapapun kali, namun ia bertahan dan tetap hidup demi kita hidup.

atau bahkan kebaikan Tuhan Yang Maha Esa.

yang tetap terus mengucurkan kasih dan sayangnya untuk kita. yang tetap menerima kita.

sorry, I can't continue. I always get emotional whenever I talk about this. I always feel insignificant, sorry.

but yeah,

we've been taking a lot of things for granted.

i hope we can minimize it going forward.

hang on,

we're in this together.

flashbacks

i was trying to sleep. but somehow i just couldn't.
sleep was never really been a problem to me. at least, since i was 5 yo.

when i was little, there was a period where i was so afraid to close my eyes. the image i got when i closed them, i couldn't bare as a child. i knew even then that everything was just my imagination. however, i felt terrified i couldn't surrender and sleep.

every time it occurred, i came to my parents. they told me to recite Al-Fatihah over and over until i fell asleep. and yeah, for several days i recited Al-Fatihah to get to sleep. some days, i made some variations. i recited Ayat Kursi. i did dzikir. and once, when i still couldn't doze off, i told myself repeatedly "emptied your mind". they worked fine for me.

what did i see that make me scared?

faces. unknown multiple random faces. or some other time the face of a murder victim in Detective Conan's manga.
hands. reaching out to me.
eyes. peeping through my blinds, spying on me all night.
faces again.
and a same set of dream landscape.

and i got older.
and the images faded.
and gone for good.

"push and pull"

but suddenly out of the blue, when i closed my eyes, i saw flashbacks.

it was like my life was turned into a movie and played right before my eyes. like, what the?
it got me thinking. was this the end of my life?

fortunately, not.
i'm still here. very much alive and well.
it's just, the experience left me with this guilty and uneasy feeling. what have i been doing all my life? why is it that everything i did, i did wrong? all of those times felt wasted. even though i consciously realize that everything happens for a reason, i can't help but thinking that i'm such a failure in life.

how come everyone can easily figure their life out easily?
how come they know what they want to do with their life?
how come everything goes smoothly for them?
how come?

all questions are circling around on my mind. i know the answer. i just don't want to admit. sometimes i just want to rant and get angry with life and just blame someone else. when it should've been me i blame. when at the same time, NO ONE is to blame. it's just how life is.

nothing comes easy.
however, everything is achievable.
believe, Ghan.
work your ass off
and believe.

biasa aja

Kalau boleh jujur, saya mungkin sudah berada pada titik muak mendengar kalimat simpel itu.

“Biasa saja.”

Coba kalian bayangkan. Lagi kesel, lagi bete, lagi gak karuan mood-nya. Curhat ke pasangan dengan niatan cuma ingin cerita aja gitu mengeluarkan uneg-uneg. Eh, malah dikomentarin kayak begitu. Kayak lagi dimarahin. Berasa jadi anak paling bandel sedunia.

Bagaimana saya tidak tambah kesal?

Tetapi, bukan pasangan saya kalau tidak bicara begitu setiap kali saya mulai emosi. Meskipun seringnya saya tambah emosi.

senja.

Bukan ini sih intinya. Saya bukan mau menceritakan kalau pasangan saya ngeselin banget sedunia tapi juga ngangenin banget gak kuat. Bukan itu kok. (ngeselin ya?)

Saya hanya ingin cerita. Kok ada ya orang sesabar beliau?

Saya marah-marah, dianya santai saja. Saya lagi ngambek, dia pun santai. Saya merajuk, malah diketawain balik (ini ngeselin sih, tapi mungkin kalau dia malah ikutan marah yang ada saya tambah marah).

Tunggu, ini apa sih poinnya?

It actually got to me.

Those “biasa saja” words, it got through. Even though I still have a super long way to become that “biasa saja” person, but I think I can feel that I’m walking towards it. I guess I’m making progress.

Saya pribadi masih harus banyak belajar dalam menerima kritik, mendengarkan masukan dari orang lain, untuk menjadi orang yang lebih rendah hati lagi untuk mau terus belajar dari siapapun. Bukan hal yang mudah bagi saya untuk menerima komentar. Apalagi ketika komentar tersebut tidak sesuai dengan apa yang saya inginkan atau saya senangi. Namun, ya kita kan tidak mungkin hidup selalu hanya mau-maunya kita. Semaunya sendiri, tidak mungkin.

Semoga kita semua adalah orang-orang yang selalu bersedia untuk belajar dan terus belajar menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan lebih baik lagi. Karena kalau saya boleh mengutip ucapan Bapak Presiden RI ke-7, Pak Joko Widodo, dalam pidato kenegaraan beliau 16 Agustus 2019 yang lalu,

“Tidak cukup untuk menjadi lebih baik dari kita yang kemarin. Kita harus lebih baik dari yang lain.”

regrets

We regret things all the time. A lot of time.

And as we know, it always comes late. What’s done is done.

Then, why do we regret?
Why, even knowing that we can’t change the situation for any bit, we still have that feelings? We still blame ourselves for what happened?

through the lights..

I’m not saying that I haven’t done it myself.
I do have my own regrets.
I regretted my college life,
how I didn’t study seriously.
how I graduated without even knowing what I’d been studying the whole 4 years.
how I didn’t put enough time in socializing and making connections with my chem-eng’s friends.
how I didn’t maximize my potential, and also time, in doing my thesis.
how I felt stupid to fight for a relationship on my own.
how I wasted so much time wandering aimlessly.
how I hide behind “chose a wrong degree” and tried to run from my responsibility.
how I lived my life this far.

I don’t think I should go on the lists.

My point is, yes, I have regrets.
There are things I thought I shouldn’t have done, or said.

But looking back and also taking in where I am right now,
I won’t be here if I didn’t choose everything I’ve chosen.

I know, I know.
I might be questioning and wondering.
If I didn’t do that, where would I be now?

And yeah, that’s a whole other thing to be think about.
But from my standpoint, that’s not to be mulled over.
That’s also not to drag you down either.

Things happen for a reason.
You might not understand it yet.
The reason may not be the one you prefer.
We can always learn from it nonetheless.

vajram

writings in Javanese..

You are a diamond in progress.
Nope, nope. Scratch that.
Every human being is a diamond.
They have a light within
that's been lying dormant,
waiting to shine.
Patiently, facing pressures and tests.
Through and through.
Bit by bit.

You may whine.
You may pout.
Your destiny is still to shine nonetheless.
It's already in the writing.
Yes, you might want to run away.
To just stop and leave everything behind.
However, that would mean lying to yourself.
Neglecting your own deep desire.

No matter how hard you deny it.
You want to shine.
You will shine.
Wait, look at that smile.
You ARE shining.

bladibladabla

have you ever feel that you're such a failure? that everything you do seem to be wrong. seem to be unacceptable. seem below par. that nothing you do is sufficient and pleasing.

i have. for sure.

i don't say "i had" cause there's a reason for it.

perhaps this is the so-called mid-life crisis. or perhaps this is just my PMS talking.

or even, it is time for me to seriously slap my face and kick my own but and yell "MOVE! For God's sake!"

however, do i have the privilege to sulking and pouting and just pitying myself?

i don't think so. okay, for just a very tiny bit of time, i do have it. but it's not for me to stop. it's for me reflect on myself and my past and start restructuring my plan for the future.

which path should i take?

the sound of your heart

you can always talk with other people,

like a lot of people.

ask for their opinion.

read books and try to look for clue.

listen to podcasts or watch motivational videos.

everything,

to find this so called answer.

but you forget to do one thing,

the one most important thing.

to look inside yourself.

to find it within.

not without.

it ends well (i hope)

it's ending.

well, i hope.

it's not like we both want it to end.

it's just, the circumstances we're in, the mistakes we both made,

the people who are involved,

they are all adding up to this moment.

we just can't help it.

we both need this.

screw you ghaniyya, who can't bring herself to hate him.

into the 3rd

Entah apa yang bisa kukatakan.

Karena pada akhirnya, aku tidak perlu mengatakan apapun untuk membuatmu mengerti apa yang sedang bersarang di kepalaku.

Kamu tahu.

Kamu selalu tahu.

Yang aku mengerti dari semuanya,

aku bersyukur aku bertemu denganmu dan mengenalmu dan bisa memanggilmu milikku.

Seorang yang bertanggung jawab, pekerja keras, jujur, menyayangi keluarganya, sabar, pengertian, dan masih panjang lagi kalau aku harus tulis semuanya.

Dan kamu juga dengan segala kekurangan yang ada.

Sejak awal, aku sudah menyadari.

Bahwa mencintaimu itu mudah.

Dan juga sulit.

Karena bukan hanya kamu yang harus kucintai,

tetapi juga seluruhnya aspek di kehidupanmu.

Jadwalmu.

Mood swings mu.

Pekerjaanmu.

Namun, aku juga tahu.

Aku bersedia.

Kita bersedia, for better and worse,

bersama.

Untuk berpuluh tahun selanjutnya,

3 September 2016 - seterusnya

sebuah doa

ya Allah,
tuntunlah hamba dalam setiap keputusan yang hamba buat, temani hamba dalam setiap langkah yang hamba ambil, agar semuanya selalu menuju kepada-Mu ya Allah. Dan jika memang keputusan yang hamba buat sejauh ini sesuai untuk hamba, maka yakinkanlah hati hamba agar bisa bergerak maju dengan lebih pasti.

aamiin..

learning english

if you want to learn English, it's basically just try to immerse yourself in an English environment. in a way where everything you do, you say, you read, and you listen are in English. that way, you'll gain better English faster.

but then, the most important thing is for you to realize that you really want to learn it. if you don't, if it's just because people are learning it, or because your parents and your boss told you so, or some other similar reasons, it will be very hard for you to learn.

Simon Sinek said, "Start with WHY."

"Why do you want to learn English?"

"We give you the most beautiful thing in life.. STORY"

cause, trust me. i see it firsthand. even people who know that they need English very much, still can't keep themselves in steadily reaching that goal. at the end of the day, it's not the skill itself that counts but your will in keep on practicing.

and another thing,
learn in a way that makes you happy. with methods that you know you will enjoy.

if you ask me what i do to keep my English progressing, here they are.

• i listen to podcasts. thanks to having iPhone and Jakarta's traffic, i have a lot of time spent in cars driving alone everyday. rather than listening to people rambling on the radio without any added value for myself (#nooffense), i choose to listen to podcasts. you can choose the channel that you will enjoy (and you can definitely learn from it). have i said that everything is FREE? my lists would be The Inquiries by BBC, unladylike, TED Talks Daily, and sincerely, X by TED and audible.
• i read books. for this, i thank myself and my family for making me read English books early in my childhood. they forced me into buying English novels cause they threatened me with not going to pay for Bahasa Indonesia's books. if you are a beginner English readers, you might want to consider finding on Google first the kind of book that suits your level of English so that you can enjoy reading it without having to go back and forth from your book and dictionary.
• and i have a lovely workplace with a day-to-day English environment, with people who are also eager in learning English. so yeah, i talk English with them.
• for addition, you can also choose watching movies or short videos on Youtube. even watching vlog can help. moreover, in trying to imitate the vlogger. that's what my sister does in front of the mirror every time she puts on her makeup and does her routine, and sure it helps.

and, anyway, let's start, shall we?

you can always reach me if you need any friend to talk in English with. email me at ghaniyyart@gmail.com and i'll reach back to you :)

reading

membaca untuk saya bukan hanya sekedar membaca buku atau komik atau koran atau artikel. bukan sekedar membaca suatu hal yang berwujud tulisan. pun tidak hanya sekedar membaca suatu karya seni.

membaca, adalah melihat dan memproses apa yang dilihat. pemandangan yang indah dari atas gunung. ombak yang menabrak dinding tebing di bawah sana. interaksi antar manusia yang terjadi di sekitar kita. perang politik di seluruh dunia. atau bencana alam yang melanda. dan membaca merupakan hal yang penting dan seharusnya dilakukan setiap saat.

sama seperti yang disampaikan oleh Allah SWT kepada Rasulullah SAW.

http://www.alqamarpublications.com/images/iqra-read-500x181.jpg

maka, "Bacalah dengan menyebut nama Allah SWT yang menciptakan".